Dear graduates,
OK, so by now everybody knows that I end each year with a goodbye message that is full of little hidden references to some relatively popular movie that students like to quote (e.g., Mean Girls, Pitch Perfect, Bridesmaids). This year, though, I was like, “no way, the best way to spread graduation cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.” So, sorry, you bunch of cotton-headed ninny-muggins, there will be no such goodbye message this year.
Instead, I’m just going to talk about the great year we had and how much I’m going to miss you all. We did some really great stuff together: The Psych Open House, our Mannequin Challenge, the PSI Talks, MPA, passing through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest….
I remember when the year first started and I was so optimistic about our time together. I planned out our whole first day: We’ll make snow angels for two hours, and then we’ll go ice skating, and then we’ll eat a whole roll of Toll-House cookie dough as fast as we can, but it never happened. I thought we could all be friends. I know I sound like a broken record but we are all buddies. You’re my best friends. That’s it. You’re my best friends.
I quickly discovered through Rate My Professor, though, that you all don’t want to be friends. I gotta tell you, when you write things like “you sit on a throne of lies” or “you stink. You smell like beef and cheese!” or “I don’t know why, but I’ve never liked you,” it hurts (especially that last one). I’m a human being, you know. I’m vulnerable… like a peach (what’s more vulnerable than a peach?).
What makes it worse is that all my other colleagues get such nice comments. Students are always writing things like “You’re the best! You should be on a Christmas card!” or “I like your nice purple dress. Very purpley” or even “I think you’re really beautiful and I feel really warm when I’m around you and my tongue swells up.”
Son of a nutcracker! Why can’t I get that kind of feedback?!
I’m worried it’s because I have a hard time focusing when I’m in class or advising. I’ll see students in the back of the room talking and I’ll be like, “I like to whisper too.” Or I’ll start my advising sessions by blurting out “what’s your favorite color?” Or worse, students will try and tell me what’s going on with them and I’ll be like, “Franscico! That’s fun to say!”
The truth is nobody around here listens to me. I got really good ideas. I just try to go with the flow you know. I gotta get out of the flow. I’m in the flow that’s what got me here. I’m 45+ years old and I got nothin to show for it.
OK, I’ve gotten distracted again.
In closing, let me say how proud I am of you and how sad I am to see you go. You did it! Congratulations! World’s best… students! Great job, everybody! It’s great to be here. I’m so proud of you all. Truly. Great job. Can’t wait to see you graduate on Saturday! I love you. I love you. I love youuuuuuuu!
Your Buddy,
Ryan C. Martin
PS. Good news… I saw a dog today.
