Dear Graduates,
Once again, I’ve been asked to write a goodbye message like the Mean Girls and Pitch Perfect ones I wrote last year and the year before. This year, though, I wasn’t really feeling it. I kept trying but everything just came out like a very sad handwritten book.
Anyway, instead, I just thought I would tell you all how thankful I am to have been able to teach you these last few years. People ask me why I enjoy working with college students so much. They say things like “when they reach that age, ugh. Disgusting. They smell, they’re sticky, they say things that are horrible.” I get that, but I just really love teaching.
And I think I’m pretty good at it. There were days when my lectures were so good, it felt like it was coming out of me like lava! Honestly! I had a student shout out to me, “You’re really doing it, aren’t ya?” The funny thing about teaching, though, is that even when I think I’m doing well, I sometimes get terrible course evaluations. Students write things like, “you know, you’re not as popular as you think you are,” “you look like an old mop, “I feel bad for your parents,” or even “you’re an old, single loser who’s never going to have any friends.” I’m not going to lie, that last one hurt a little. I mean, why can’t you be happy for me and then go home and talk about me behind my back like a normal person?
Fortunately, though, for every five or six really mean ones, there’s at least one sort of nice one. Last semester, someone wrote that I am more beautiful than Cinderella and that I smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine! It was a weird thing to write, but nice.
Of course, being a professor isn’t all about teaching. I do a lot of research, advise students, and even supervise a few student organizations. I’ll tell you something, students really tell us some deep secrets sometimes. They think we’re just like priests… except we would tell everybody afterwards. I had way too many advisees too. I think I overcommitted with 9. Six is a comfortable number. My student organizations were into some weird stuff too that kept me on my toes. One student suggested an event where we all come dressed as our favorite Pixar character, and another student was like, “or a Fight Club, a female fight club.” I had to put a stop to that quick. Thanks. But…um, no way! No way in hell!
But enough about me. This should be about you and the journey ahead. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s going to be tough. You’re going to be like, “help me, I’m poor.” You’re going to try and blame the world for your problems. You going to hit rock-bottom, but I want you to know that hitting bottom is a good thing. Because there’s nowhere to go but up. Plus, I don’t associate with people who blame the world for their problems. You are your problem. You are also your solution. Do you think my life has always been easy? I had it rough when I was in school. They called me a freak. Do you think I let that break me? Think I went home to my mommy crying; ‘Oh, I don’t have any friends.’ No, I did not. You know what I did? I pulled myself up. I studied really hard. I read every book in the library and now I work for the government. I have the highest possible security clearance. Don’t repeat that!
Whoa, sorry about that. I’m obviously working through some stuff.
Don’t worry about me, though. I’m gonna be fine. So don’t worry, okay? I’m gonna be…I’m gonna be fine. I am fine. And besides, you need to blaze the trail for me and then report back and tell me what’s coming. So, in short, I would just like to say to you and to everyone here, “Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en… en la azul… “markada”. Tienes con “bibir” en las Fortuashla?” and gracias!
Yup, I would like to invite you to no longer live with us. It’s time to graduate. This is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a… jerk. Don’t get me wrong. I love you all and will miss you. Honestly, I really will miss each and every one of you. You are such a stone-cold pack of weirdos, and I am so proud!
Sincerely,
Ryan Martin
PS. If this all came out wrong, I want to apologize. I’m not even confident on which end it came out of.
